I got pregnant.
We had been trying for three years. I had been diagnosed with PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I was alone at the doctors when I got the news. God was not on my side. I was pretty sure he hated me as much as I hated him.
The night that I found out I was pregnant was the first time God and I had a conversation in ten years. I apologized. He forgave me. It was that easy. I prayed every single day of my pregnancy. I was sure that God was going to take my happiness away. I was scared and waiting for the other ball to drop.
It didn't. I had a normal pregnancy. It was wonderful. I love being pregnant. I am happiest while pregnant. My husband would probably not completely agree with that.
When I had Hannah, it was almost as though God was speaking to me. To have faith that everything can be okay. When I had Heidi almost two years later, I was certain that God had put me on this Earth to be an amazing mother to these two beautiful little girls. It was my calling.
In the four years that I have been a mother, I have struggled daily with the ins and outs of raising them. I want them to be happy and fulfilled. I pray every night that God make them whomever they want to be. I pray for their health and I pray for their happiness. But most of all I think God for giving me the best gift in the world. My children have opened me to a new understanding of Christ's love. if he can give me these things without getting anything in return, then perhaps he is not the harsh monster I thought him to be for so many years.
I am daily tested to keep my faith in God, but daily he is showing me that he is there. When I get home and see my children's faces, I am in awe of his power. Every thing they do seems like a miracle to me. Things as small as drawing a circle for the first time or trying to get dresses like a big girl are things that I can find the faith of Christ's unfailing love in.
If he can love me enough to give me these girls, then perhaps I should try a little harder to love him enough to appreciate them.
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